Rant: To The Passive-Aggressive, Socially Awkward, Teen-aged Asian Female Living In the United States

For those who deem this "TL;DR", the overall message is "nut up or shut up."

You are not your grades.
You are not your SAT scores.
And whether you like it or not, you will fail.

And you probably will stubbornly refuse to learn anything until you do.

Your parents grew up in a nation where everything was defined by test scores and money. If you wanted to be powerful, you did perfectly in school. Or, if that wasn't your thing, you could just buy your way to whatever you wanted. So what your parents have taught you is to be smart and be cheap. Except, you're now in a country with an entirely different set of values which tout anti-intellectualism and luxurious spending. As a result, you are merely a nerdy cheapskate, and you are wondering why you're so unhappy.

You want to believe that you are a good kid, so you try really hard - because you think what you lack in talent, you will make up for in effort. In Japanese cartoons, screaming harder always helps the good guys win! Surprise, surprise, exerting effort just makes you tired. You sacrifice sleep and food to attain that perfect grade - because self-sacrifice is glamorous. And what you make when you're tired certainly isn't worth that 4.0 that you keep striving for, so you're never going to get it. Seriously, just drop an assignment. The best lesson the you're going to learn is that no one cares, so manage your time and just do what is a priority. Don't lose sleep over it. When you don't turn in your homework, you get marked down, and the world goes on.

Always forced to study - potentially since you were in elementary school at places like Kumon, you've been socially deprived for many years, and you can't imagine how anyone could like you (or if you're so arrogant, how anyone couldn't like you). The thing is, people don't like you for quantitative reasons - that you're good at math, or that you can draw pretty well - they like you when you are fun to be around. So get out of your study hole, and make some friends, even if it costs your grades to slip a little. And you shouldn't expect them to be perfect-numbered people, either. You're looking for friends, not employees, right? Those six-figure jobs your parents keep pestering you about are obtained through interviews, anyway, and if you spend your life talking to a computer, there's little likelihood you can talk to a person. Otherwise, no one will notice you, and the world goes on.

Oftentimes, you are a financial hypocrite. Part of you wants to do that thing your parents do where they fight for the check and then pay for the entire meal, but you're a student, and you're cheap. Somehow, it hasn't sunk in that Americans usually split checks, and when people pay for everyone, it's because they're genuinely nice, not showing off some familial status. So while you make these shows of being rich, you take your cut back through the little things by forgetting your cash, borrowing a few bucks here and there, mooching your friends' food or asking them to drive you places (because, as an Asian girl, you were never taught to drive - your brother was your chauffeur or your parents didn't have the patience for it). Just be fair and split your bills. If everyone pays their share, you don't stir up resentment, and the world goes on.

You're good at a lot of things, but you're not great at anything. And your history of never messing up on top of your parents' endless demands has led you to need a lot of positive reinforcement. Your drawings or violin solos are good, but they're nowhere near professional quality. You seek attention to make you feel good about your perceived-as-childish hobby, to validate why you continue to do it. However, you have become so callous from shrugging off your parents unrealistic comments that you've immunized yourself to honest critique. The thing is, no one in the real world is going to waste their time giving you praise or feeding your ego. People have better things to do. You have to find a deeper, inner drive, for what you want to do because no matter how desperately you need a hug, you can't be sure anyone's going to stop to give you one. Besides, those Ivy League schools like people who do interesting things, and pure test scores aren't interesting. If you define yourself by what other people say, people will get tired of reinforcing your self-image - the world goes on.

Finally, because your parents stressed how terrible boys can be, you are deathly grossed out by the mere concept of sex. Make-up is practically foreign, but what's worse is that you have no confidence in the way you look. It doesn't matter that you're 5' 8" because you grew up drinking cow's milk - you're a size XXL in Asia, and that means you're fat. And now that you're in college, your parents are asking you why you don't have a boyfriend, and why he's not a doctor. But, you can't have a healthy relationship because you have no idea what one consists of. You expect American guys to act like the mirror-boys in Korean dramas. So when that guy asked you for your number after class, he was certainly a "creeper" with no intention to actually study with you, and even if you did find him cute, he could never, ever, ever, be a nice person because he is the one asking you out. But, on the other hand - you have no confidence in yourself, so you'd never ask a guy out! Even worse, your low self-esteem might be so detrimental that you have turned your self-life into a series of highly unrealistic, sexless, boy-boy romances played out on internet forums with other girls. BL is fine - and can be pretty hot - but it's still just fantasy. So, within reason, take care of your looks and treat guys as friends, and then maybe you'll get your doctor - but he probably won't be a doctor. Or look like a Korean supermodel (that's all plastic surgery anyway). Otherwise your would-be special someone find a girl who actually treats them like a human being. The world goes on.

All I can say is I speak from experience. You can tell me this advice is crazy, but hey - I'm happy and learning when I make mistakes, and you're moping about how much you suck - so you tell me now, who's crazy?

Sketches: Weihsin's Commission

A long time ago in a galazy not too far away, an incredibly kind, patient man whom I met at Otakon commissioned me for a piece that I was ecstatic to do. It took me awhile because there was a lot of research involved, but I'm starting on the actual sketches now... and there's still a lot of research involved. I'm trying to venture into new territory.

So, he gave me four Chinese characters - happiness, joy, sadness, and anger. And I was meant to personify them. Now, it became that each of these four emotions could be associated with four cardinal directions, and with four directions comes four countries, four colors, four elements, and four animals.

The turtle represents the North, happiness, water, and the color black. So, I chose to draw a girl in black Korean hanbok, looking up at the snow (snow being frozen water and 'up' being north on the page).


This is the sketch I will tranfer to watercolor paper.


Next, there was the tiger, which represents the West, white, metal, and sadness. I chose to do a Tibetan girl with a white tiger, sitting among swords and spears. I haven't finished the final sketch yet, though. Tigers are difficult to draw.


Four posts in one night. I must be going crazy.